thoughts on grieving

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

–Author Unknown
I snagged this from a friend's site. It describes how I feel almost to a T.

I want my fog back

I had a nice hazy fog that clouded my perceptions and colored my world. I want it back, I want that medicated numbness that went with it, too. I want it back, I say! I want a do over, a mulligan, as you will. I want a fresh start, how about time travel. I think I made a terrible mistake in many aspects. The physical pain is still here in my incision, which is slowly healing...but now the emotional pain and anguish has returned a thousandfold thus manifesting itself in cruel, unbearable physical pain. I cry myself to sleep, tears fall on my pillow until I collapse in exhaustion.

Let me introduce myself

If you have it, you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have." Sir James M. Barrie

This quote rings true in many ways, but I believe it is speaking of love and acceptance. Speaking in retrospect...

Let me introduce myself, I go by many differrent names. I am Birthmother, Firstmother, whatever you want to call me, but I am also a Mama, Mommie, Mom, Mother.

For the last nine months, I was mama-to-be, a very pregnant 31 year old woman...